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King Of The Tin

You may have seen the show that everyone is talking about every Sunday morning on Channel 4….no I’m not talking about Sunday Brunch, but the show within the show, the little show we call KING OF THE TIN. Every week three of our guests get to choose their king and also the biscuit they’ll condemn to the Crumb Dungeon, or, as we call it, the Crumgeon.

I dish out ‘interesting’ facts about the choices, such as that Oreos are vegan, Jamie Laing’s family were the McVities of biscuit royalty and the number of holes on a Bourbon (actually pronounced like the drink) to stop them cracking.

Probably my fave biscuit info is about Rich Tea. Always condemned to the Crumgeon, I feel sorry for the old biccie.
The criticism is always that it tastes of cardboard and doesn’t dunk well.

The taste, I get. So, my dear friend Dave told me that he double loads his Rich Tea to dunk.So, you take 2 RTs…..dunk, then as you pull them out of your brew you hold your hand underneath like a saucer and keep that cupped hand under your chin as you enjoy the safely dunked biscuit….GENIUS

So, what I’ve decided to do is review some of the biscuits featured and keep updating this blog. If you want to add a review of any biscuit feel free. We’re going to score them out of 7…..in the unit of the DAVE.

Rules are that Jaffa Cakes are not allowed in….they’re a cake. Anything that you can’t buy in the ‘biscuit’ aisle doesn’t count….so no Trios (do they still make them?), Twix, Mars bars etc

OK, here we go ... the big reveal ...

RICH TEA- It’s not the tastiest biscuit. The texture is a bit cardboardy. It’s not really sweet or salty. I do see why it’s in the Crumgeon all the time. BUT the DAVE technique for dunking takes it to another level. So, post dunk it’s a 5 but really it scores 2DAVES

DIGESTIVE – got to be honest, I love a digestive. It’s a great entry level biscuit. Not too sweet, little salty hit at the back. Dunks well. Eats brilliantly with cheese as well. Also, the best base for a cheesecake. It’s a solid holding midfielder 5DAVES

BOURBON – I tend to eat too many of these in one go, then feel sick. I’m not the biggest chocolate fan, so they’re sort of chocolate for people who don’t like chocolate. Tasting them scientifically….yes I am……then they’re lose their flavour quite quickly and the aftertaste is a bit rubbish. Dunk well though 3DAVES

GARIBALDI – another biscuit constantly condemned to the Crumgeon. A complete travesty as far as I’m concerned. The strip of easily snappable, slightly soft biscuit is a piece of design genius. Just sweet enough, currants that find every nook and cranny in your teeth, so they stay with you for a long time. Reintroduce yourself to the garibaldi, it’s worth it 5DAVES

GINGER NUTS – the biscuit that divides more than any other. So many King of the Tin awards and also so many crumgeons. Plus, points – crunchy, gingery, dunks well. Minus points – it’s sometimes a bit too much, too gingery, too crunchy. I have to be in the mood for a ginger nut. Does make an excellent cheesecake base though. Mmmmmm tricky one 3DAVES

PINK WAFER – only ever appeared in the Crumgeon. As I sit in my Biscuit Lab looking at the wafer in its biscuit cage, it does look a bit sorry for itself. It’s not even very pink is it? It’s soooo artificially sweet. No wonder you reject them after your 7th birthday. However I’m not hating it. Be aware people, biscuit snobbery is as bad as music snobbery. It may be more Cheeky Girls than Radiohead early works….but it’s still crap 1DAVE

OREO – I have a problem with Oreos….there I’ve said it. My kids adore them, most guest on the show love them, they regularly get the King of the Tin crown. There’s a gazillion different flavours and variations, choc coated, mini, ice cream. They’re vegan, they’re chocolaty BUT I just don’t get em. I find them a bit processed, a bit….false. I put it to you that the Oreo is a case of Emperors New Clothes. 3DAVES

CHOC CHIP COOKIE – growing up as a kid on Merseyside these were the most glamorous biscuit. All real Americana – they sometimes were called Maryland cookies (wow!) they had chocolate ‘chips’ in them, we had never heard of chocolate chips. They conjured up Mary Tyler Moore, CHiPs (California Highway Patrol), Tavares. I loved em. I still think they’re great. Good texture, proper choc chips and always make me want a glass of milk. Keep on Truckin CCCs 6DAVES

JAMMY DODGER – I’m always shocked when this ends up in the Crumgeon. I love the swirly pattern and the heart shaped opening revealing the delicious jammy centre. I must admit I do like them when they’ve gone a bit stale too. Almost bendable, but the vanillary creamy centre is even more tasty then. Jammy Dodgers make me smile. They like being dunked. They’re part of our history 5DAVES

CHOCO LEIBNIZ – I’d never had one of these until King of the Tin. Now I love em. The choc coating is continental chocolate and, therefore, exotic. The recipe dates back to 1889. More chocolate than biscuit they say. Always has 52 ‘teeth’ around the edge. They are properly delicious. They’re like that exciting Continental striker who does things with a football you never thought possible. Leibniz would be a contender for Ballon D’Or 6DAVES

The not yet featured on King Of The Tin.

TUNNOCKS CARAMEL WAFER – Until lockdown I would always have said that the HobNob would be my king of the tin. But, that’s all changed. My dad has always loved these. He couldn’t find any. So I bought him a couple of packets. Then I couldn’t go to see him…..so I opened them. Old school, no nonsense quality biscuit. Delicious delicate caramel wafer, then a light covering of not too overpowering chocolate coating. Dunking is a joy. Aftertaste is divine. These are the Kings of the Tin (be warned, the dark choc ones are not good) 7DAVES

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